Feb. 03, 2005 - 2:57 a.m.

Yes, I've been watching, like a good little drone. I've seen some good singers, some interesting acts, and some of the most painful sights of my life so far. A set of twins auditioned in New Orleans. They were pretty good, I thought, but the judges said no. So, one of them followed the show to the next town, and auditioned without his brother. He was admitted to the next phase of the process. And of course, last night the other one showed up in San Francisco. He auditioned and was turned down. And the guy almost didn't leave. He started singing another song, but they would have none of it, and he eventually slunk back into the lobby. I suppose when you're used to a life of always being one-half of a unit, it's going to be a pretty traumatic change when your other half goes off to begin a singing career. But really, he didn't have to embarrass himself on national television.

I think it was in Cleveland where they found the mime. That's right, I said they found a mime. An honest-to-badness, totally silent MIME. She wrote down the name of the song she was going to "sing" and then proceeded to "sing" it...or rather, lip-sync it in a dramatic fashion. However stupid this sounds, Simon said she was one of the best singers they'd heard that night. I was hoping one of the judges would shoot her, but how often do I get what I want out of American Idol?

Earlier today I'd been packing my room up. I'm not moving, just trying to finish clearing things out so I can get rid of some large pieces of furniture and move some more in.

I think I know why I had such a hard time getting started. Today as I was putting crap in boxes, I felt like I really was moving. Looking at the room the way it is now, with all the clutter packed away, it feels like I'm leaving. I know I'm not, but I've moved before and it usually looks like this for several weeks beforehand. So I'm feeling all the pain of leaving, and not having any of the excitement about getting to see a new place. Even though I know I'm not leaving...sheesh.

At any rate, most of the clutter is out of sight, trapped inside boxes that are even now collecting dust in my mom's room. I cleaned off the desk and the computer with Glass Plus wipes, and it took five or six of them. That's a lot of dust. I was surprised and a bit disgusted.

Now, we have to figure out how we're going to get this enormous monster of a computer desk out of here, before we take apart the computer. If we take apart the computer first, I'll have no way to get online, and will surely perish. But if we get this thing figured out first, then we can take the computer down, get the desk out of here, and put the computer on something else so I can use it again. I'd really like one of those little corner units, with the shelves that go up high so you can keep the printer out of the way. I'd like one of those. The monster we have in here now takes up half of two seperate walls, and I have no room for what I really want, which is of course more bookshelves. Or just shelves in general.

With the new furniture, I'll have a headboard behind the bed, for keeping my lamp and my clock and such things in or on. I won't need the file cabinet anymore. I'll have a new chest of drawers, with deeper, longer drawers, so I'll be able to store more of the folded stuff, and have more room on the shelf in the closet. The new dresser will bring with it drawers and a surface to keep makeup and other things like that. As it is now, I keep my makeup in the makeup bag hanging on the doorknob. I don't really use makeup so much, but I like to have it here just in case. (Just in case happens about once a year, if that.)

So, the new furniture will be good. I'm looking forward to the change. But the effect of seeing all my crap in boxes is unsettling. Hopefully we can get this all finished in the next couple of weeks. (Not likely.)

So that's what's been going on in my life. Not much, but enough to keep me in confusion. I exist in a perpetual state of confusion, and I need something to keep it going. There has to be reason for the confusion, and it was beginning to look like I was just insane for a while. Now though, with everything going on it's okay to be confused. Or not, but who keeps track of these things?