Jan. 09, 2005 - 7:34 a.m.

I made some new friends! Well, actually, one of them was an old acquaintence. I'd met up with him several years ago, at the Rocky Horror Picture Show. That was back in the first few months they had shown it, several years ago. It was the first time he'd ever been to see it, and he became a regular.

Now he's married. He's the one who took the dirty pictures of Ben and his girlfriend, and his wife sent them to me so I could send them along to the Storyteller of our Vampire game. Doug and Angela.

I'm hanging out with Blanche and Ramon Blank this coming Friday, and I'm thinking of bringing these two along. I think the four of them would get along great.

I spent Friday evening hanging out with Doug and Angela, until Doug went to bed around 3am or so. Then it was just us girls, until I left a little after 7am. I was back at their place last night, till after 2am. These are nice folks, and I look forward to introducing them to my other friends and getting them sucked into my social groups. Resistance is futile.

This is what I do with new friends. When I like someone a lot, I bring them into my groups of friends. I invite them to my gaming sessions so they can meet the gamer friends and see if they want to play - and Doug is a gamer, and knows a lot of the gamers I know, so that might work out. I bring them along when I hang out at Blanche and Ramon's place, and sometimes the Blanks end up hanging out with my new friends when I can't make it over, like with Theatre-Geek. I always love to hear this, when I introduce people and they actually like each other enough to spend time together when I'm not around. I want people to be friends.

Ultimately, I could get everyone I know into the same room, just once. So they could all meet each other, make new friends, and figure out who I'd been talking about all this time. I have at least two or three seperate groups I hang out with, and it gets confusing. I have to remember who doesn't get along with who and things like that, so I don't accidentally mention something that's going to bring back painful or disturbing memories.

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how in the world I met so many people. I spent several years in late elementary school, and all of junior high, being an outcast. That never really leaves you, and now that I seem to know everyone in town and hang out with half of them, I wonder how I managed to meet this many people. Sometimes I wonder how much people know about me. I wonder if they can tell what's going on in my mind, or in my heart. There are a few people I talk to about the really personal stuff, the messy feelings and disturbing thoughts that I'd rather not have in the first place. Blanche and I can sit and talk about anything, and I'm glad for it. But really, is there anyone else who knows me as well as she does? Maybe one or two other people.

Only the people I tell things to will know those things. But sometimes you can sense things about a person. And I wonder how much of my crap is apparent, how much of it is easy to pick up on just by watching me and paying attention to my behavior and moods and such.

Sometimes I can be in a crowd of friends and feel alone. I know everyone feels this way at times, but it's still weird for me. I don't pretend to understand myself or my emotions. Most of the time I just ride them out, nod and smile, and try to think about something else.

Something else, like the fact that in a few months it will have been eleven years since I graduated from high school. Over a decade. I thought ten years was bad, but there was no reunion or anything. Now it's been over ten years, the milestone has passed and nothing was done to honor or celebrate it, and we're into the second decade. Fuck. Also, before that little anniversary we're going to reach my birthday in May. That's going to suck. I mean, I always have a little trouble getting a year older. But this year I'm going to be 29. What an ominous number. 29...just one step away from leaving your twenties behind. Make sure to remember them, because they're gone now.

I really didn't intend this to be a rambling and depressing entry. But it looks like I may have entered into another low swing. And with these neat new friends and everything - shit. I don't know what it is, but I just can't get out of this mindset where I think about the past and fear the future.

I'm going to go to college again. I'm going to start in the fall. This spring and summer I'm going to do all the running around, talk to all the desk jockeys and fill out all the paperwork. It's going to be a huge pain in the ass. But I'm going back. And I'm really scared. More than I was when I moved to another state to go to a small school I'd never heard of. That was an adventure - this is going to be...something. I don't know what yet. But I will be there for it.